BooksArtAndMusings

I look outside my window, it’s cloudy with no promise of rain. Cold, dry winds shiver up the trees, a few loose leaves let go of the crusty branch, and some stubborn ones still wear a nonseasonal green color braving the winter. Somewhere behind the knotted curtain of woods a fire glows warm; the smoke heavy with cold, lingers in the air. As the world lounges through a tough winter, another year is pacing to its end, another December forces one to think about the year.

My first thoughts—well— it was shorter than the last year, which in turn was shorter than the one before it. As a child a year would hold enormous time, it was plump. Now, it barely packs a fraction of life it did. Yet, however short this year was to me it was one that taught me a great deal. Hard times are excellent teachers if and when you are ready to learn. Now, I am not campaigning for hard times, neither am I enchanted by them as to invite them upon myself. I would much prefer to learn comfortably. But, hard times are inevitable. They are part of the richness of life. The lessons you learn from them are, at most times, not equitable to the pain, but the uncomfortable truth about life is—it’s not fair. Yes, life can be unfairly cruel but, it can be unfairly rewarding too, perhaps all we need is to give it a chance.

When you are hurting, it takes in all of you. There is seldom another feeling that is as present as hurt and sadness. For a long time I have felt intensely but failed to see the lesson my pain was teaching me. Pain is informative, you will come out of it better acquainted with yourself. This was the year that my pain taught me to be kinder to myself.

I learned the hard way, happiness is not deserved. Let yourself be happy as and when it greets you, especially when you are not doing well. Let me elaborate.

I have spent a lot of my life trying to be deserving of happiness. I would set goals for myself and defer my happiness until after I had achieved them. My achievements however didn’t make me happy, they just make me feel relieved. And the thing about relief is, it’s a narcotic, dangerously addictive. Those sparks of relief, when stopped by a mediocre failure resulted in a self-proclaimed deserved unhappiness. So, not only was I sad, I also rationalized that sadness as one that I deserved, which meant that I didn’t try to dispel it. Rather I pressurized myself to succeed and achieve so I could allow myself happiness. The problem was, I had grown tired, I was burnt-out and because I didn’t take issue with my sadness, I let it seep into my bones and make a home there—that is depression. How does one get better when one doesn’t think they deserve to? The vicious logic was: you can be happy once you succeed, you can feel better once you do better. I had gotten the order wrong. How was I to do well when I was not well.

And then there were people. In this unfair world if you are unlucky enough, you will meet people who will make you feel small, insignificant, and invaluable, and you will excuse their cruelty as their personality trait. You will gloss over every remark, every outburst, every manipulation, because you will tell yourself people aren’t perfect—but you have to be. When you think you don’t deserve happiness, you don’t protest against abuse. You also don’t ask to be cared for, you don’t ask for anything at all. Then one day it gets too much to be ignored, they take it too far one too many times and you realize much time has passed. The damage is done.

People are important in life; with some of them you get a choice, and the right kind can save you in more ways than one. You don’t have to expend your life trying to make a difficult person comfortable.

This year I have tried to hold on to happiness, to not ration it, or save it up for later. I have asked for help, and relied on my friends. As hard as the past few years have been, I have been grateful for friendships. Looking back I realize how my friends have helped me survive and encouraged me to heal.

When I was barely sleeping and struggling in college there was a friend that came to my PG everyday and brought with her food to prepare in that dingy kitchen. She would fill up my jars with freshly ground coffee, and bring blueberry jam to go with the freshly baked bread that we bought on our way home from university. The smell of that coffee still brings warmth to me. That cold windowless room had so much light when she came. Another friend made me learn that I can ask for help, and got me into therapy when I couldn’t do it myself. He was there consistently every day hearing me out and reassuring me of the promise of life. Yet another friend got on call at 2 a.m. and read me a story so I could sleep—and I did sleep after two days. It’s a new ritual for us now—to fight sleepless nights with stories.

I’ve learned that friendship is an investment that you won’t regret. There is a loneliness about life; after a certain age we all start to fear it, and we take drastic measures to dispel it. You know the saying: it’s better to be alone than to be with the wrong person—it is as cliche as it is true. But loneliness can be terrifying enough to forgo of this simple truth. Friendships are a beautiful answer of life to loneliness. I am not saying you will not feel lonely ever if you have close friends, a rich life makes you feel everything. But, with close friends you can share that loneliness and be held through it. If you have friends, you are rich in more ways than you realize.

I talked about friendship as an investment, because friendships like any other relationship need work. It doesn’t demand work, it’s more easy on you when you cancel on it or ignore it; your friends will make space for that. This freedom and understanding is why friendships are easy to take for granted and shouldn’t be taken for granted. They suffer silently for it—a few good ones can die a slow death with prolonged neglect. Make sure that no new relationship or a move to a new city makes you neglect a good friend. Make that phone call, check up on your friends, make plans to meet them, and ask them how they are doing with the intention of listening. Because one day when that city grows cold and hostile, or that relationship turns sour, or life plays a cruel hand, you will realize you can no longer make that call. Share a life with your friends and it will be a good life. Life is a solo trip you take, and then rave about with your friends.

I don’t have life all figured out, I am far from it. It’s still confusing, scary, and uncertain. But I am learning, and as long as I am learning there is novelty and promise to life.

There is an anecdote that Trevor Noah shared and one line about it stuck with me. He asked someone, what is a good boat? (for a holiday or a party) and the answer was;

” The best boat is your friend’s boat”.